"Another night, it's going to be a long one." (The Eagles). JP just woke up and got a drink of orange juice, he's peeing and going back to bed. I'm up. I am not tired at all. The pills don't help. Maybe the wine didn't help, but it did while I drank it.

We shared some things. We talked about jail, about the cops, about the futility of restraining orders (both of us unjustifiably have them against us). I am so sick of people treating me like I am some raving animal who cannot be reasoned with. My neighbor downstairs called the cops on me for having my stereo too high, at 8:30 on a Saturday night, without ever once coming to talk to me. She's left me notes, complained to the manager, but finally when I met her she just whined that she was too conflict avoidanct to face me. How am I supposed to know? I took the speakers off the floor, and turned off the bass boost,suchh as it is.

But music is the only therapy we have that works now. JP has his metal collection and both us listen to Ozzy Osbourne, AC/DC, Metallica, Judas Priest, Nirvana, and love them. it's the only music that begins to touch the pain we feel right now. Nothing else can begin to express this anguish.

I walk around with shards of glass in my heart and so does he. His father abandoned him as a child, and when he did seek him out out of some misplaced Christian need for redemption, abandoned him again for the last time at 18, telling him that if he were starving he could care less. What kind of asshole piece of shit father seeks out his son just to tell him that?
That is the curse he carries with him, that his father abaondoned and then heartlessly rejected him, those kinds of wounds last a lifetime.

Mine is my parent's divorce and the games they played over me as a child, the pawn in their game. The twisted loyalties, that have left me scarred, damaged goods. No wonder I've never been married or had children, I refuse to pass on the damage.

Unless we decide we really will have a child. I'm 46, I'm close to menopause, I only have a couple more years of fertility. I won't have unprotected sex, but Father, thy will, not mine. Thy will be done.