There are two men in my life, and I don't want to let go of either one of them. I didn't plan or choose this situation, it "just happened'. I've been living with MG for almost 3 years. Over Christmas, we separated, at a great emotional cost to me. I have been very upset about this.

While I was in an in-patient psych ward, of all places, I met someone else. Soneone who does not have anywhere else to go. I've let him stay at my apartment since january 3, and against all advice, of course, it is not what anyhone would recommend. but JP is a unique individual. He's here on my couch, listening to heavy metal. He's introduced me to playhing poker, heavy metal and good cigars. We've shared quite a lot.

I have cried and prayed, and I am to the point where I may have to let MG go. Whatever happens happens. Inshallah as the Muslims say, God's will, not mine.

How do you prevent someone from wanting to die? I can't stop someone from commmitting suicide if they really want to die, but what can I say to someone who says his life is so horrible he wants to die? JP has very little in his life, only SSDI, only $650 a month, which is not enough to rent anything on, or to live, he can't get back into school, the only thing he loves, all jobs seem meaningless and mundane, and he has no one. What do I say to someone who wants to die?

Calculated risk. Why do those words resonate with me? Life is a risk. I never took the easy chances. Why should I start now? Do I like things on the edge? I guess I must, because it seems to work out that way. Life is not easy, no one ever said it was. but it is an adventure, if you do it right. I am here with JP, and I feel fear and anxiety, but I am alive. I feel like I matter to him, to someone. That is what I miss.

It is so hard to get to sleep. I sleep sporadiczlly. It's been 4 weeks since I got out of Harborvview, and they gave me the Olanzapine, which I've stopped taking, that kept me awake and gave me those horrible restless legs and twisting and turning sleepless nights. I was up all night, on the couch, in the bed, on the floor, trying to get comfortable. and nothing would work.

I've tried alochol, and I have slept every other night. I finally went out and got pot. I had to. I needed to get really, really stoned and have two shots of Wild Turkey to get some sleep.

So, I "self-medicated", so shoot me. It's not the first time, and it's not as bad as the doctors made me think it was, because believe me, the Olanzapine, the Ziprazidone and the Trileptil and alcohol have not killed me yet.

And JP is taking Vicodin and Seroquel, the Vicodin is for the back injury. I am not a pill junkie, thank God, I don't try to get scrips for pills. The irony is that I have tried so hard to stay off pills, and the doctors keep pushing them on me. I have to take them and now the ones I'm taking won't even put me to sleep.

that's okay, I'll let JP sleep. He needs his sleep, after all we've been through.The things we've been through I can't even begin to describe and no one would understand if they hadn't been there. Let him sleep. It's the least I can do for him.