I want to jot down a few quick notes before I fall into bed. I am beat, but it's a good tired. I just the evening with some friends up at the C & P, we had a blast, eating good food, playing charades and singing karaoke. Of course, I had to do Patsy Cline's "Crazy" and Bangles "Just Another Manic Monday" (which was harder than I thought it would be

I don't know how I did it, I just blipped an entire paragraph into cyberspace, it's gone.

I just wrote a graph on the songs we all sang, including Auld Lang Syne at midnight, I did "Loch Lomond" (You take the high road and I'll take the low road, and I'll be in Scotland afore ye,for me and my true love'll ne'er meet again on the bonnie, bonnie shores of Loch Lomond." A song my grandfather liked, since he served in a Scottish regiment in the Royal Canadian 48th Scottish Highlanders in WWI.

Another one of grandpa Paul's favorites was "Leicester Square",So, for Grandpa Paul, "Farewill, Picadilly, so long, Leicester Square, it's a long, long way to Tipperary, but my heart is here (He always changed the lyric, to "My heart is there (and point to his chest). silly.

Another one of Grandpa's favorites, which I didn't see on the karaoke list was "Oh, my friends we're older but no wiser, for in our foolish hearts the dreams are still the same...Those were the days my friends we thought they'd never end, we'd sing and dance for ever and a day, we'd live the life we'd choose, we'd fight and never lose, for we were young and sure to have our way...li li li li li li li li li li..Those were the days, my friend, we thought they'd never end..."

But tonight, Eric, Julian, Matt, Kevin, Charlie, Heather, Jeri, Pete, Bobby, a Chines girl named Katie from Hong Kong and others of us regulars at the CP and I sang in the New Year's with gusto. Happy New Year's, everybody, may 2007 bring you all your heart's desires and then some. Good night, it's time for lights out. Although I still hear fireworks.

It looks like it's going to be another long night. I can't sleep. I could take a half tab of Zolpidem, but then I'd be groggy all day today. I just have to make sure that I don't miss more than one night's sleep. The

I'll write instead. Just a quick blog. I did a duet of Desperado with Kevin last night. I've been listening to a lot of Eagles, their greatest hits. I'm a big fan of Joe Walsh and Don Henley, their lyrics are so spot on.

I did a Google search, came up with a Wikipedia article on them, and lo and behold, Don Henley and Stevie Nicks had a long relationship, did a duet on Leather and Lace. I did not know that.

One of the few concerts I've seen at the Key Arena was Stevie Nicks with my very gay friend Kymb. A 6'3" inch black princess named Kymb, Surprise, surprise, Princess Kymb was a big fan of Stevie. He had everything Stevie ever produced, I'm sure. The concert was mediocre, not her best work, I think, she was overweight, out of shape and not really powerful. Sort of the way I feel now.

Maybe she got it back. Maybe I will, too. I got a peaceful, easy feeling that you won't let me down, cause I'm already standin' on the ground, as the Eagles. sing.

I wonder about whether it's necessary to choose between passion or what's safe and sane. I feel very comfortable and safe with MG, but there's never been any real passion. I thought it was because we'd both been through the ringer, were struggling to get our lives back, not that we'd never have any.

I'm beginning to wonder. it's been 21/2 years. I remember the choices I made 5 years ago, the last job I ever worked at the law firm. I made my choice then, and it was the only chioce I could make, and still look myself in the eye in the mirror. But as Lucinda Williams wrote in her song, "Passionate Kisses", "shouldn't I have this and passionate kisses.". What if it's too safe?

I don't have literal voices in my head, the way schizoid or other manic people do. What I have is "tapes" of people long gone from my life. I was washing dishes just now, and realized that I have a "tape" of Niki laughing at the way I do dishes, inefficient, wasted motion, or not clean enough.

I'm still arguing with ghosts. They're my dishes and I'll do them the way I want to.

What a sad milestone to have reached today. Today's headlines in both the Seattle Times and Post-Intelligencer (which I bought, as I hope that one of the editors, Don S. will contact me soon for writing a blog on their on-line site) was the 3,000 of our own troops killed in Iraq.

My heart hurts for them and their family. Regardless of political beliefs and all politics aside, this is a sad day for them and for us all. Bel, if you know the Isaiah quote from the Bible which goes, "And provide for those who grieve a garment of praise," please tell me the number of it so I can look up the whole passage. i'd like to re-read it, it comforts and I hope others as well.

To those still in Iraq, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray for your safe return quickly. Happy New Year.

well, with the news about today's casualty count and the possibility of a windstorm which might knock out my power again, I am cooking up a storm. I guess, for two reasons, one I don't want good food to go to wste. MG and I agree on that, we hate waste, especially when it comes to food. We've been poor, dirt poor, so when we have food in the fridge, I do not want it to go to waste. Another reason, is why people bring food to wakes, because the bereaved and grieving family might forget to eat otherwise.

So, even though I do not know any of the bereaved families who are struggling to go on without their missing husbands, wives, sons and daughters, I am making food for them and for my own grief. I feel like I've lost friends and countrymenn and women. Here's to all of us. May the new year bring them those who are left home safely.

Here's what I'm listening to on my cassette as I'm cooking, this is Robert Cray's "Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark" album:

See him cuddled in the shadows
Sleepin' on his cardboard bed
Using rags for a pillow
Where he lays his unwashed head
His blanket's old newspaper
Not much good against the snow
See so many like him out there
When you walk the night patrol
When you walk the night patrol

Oh, you wonder where he came from
Where he's gonna go
Was it a woman or a bottle?
That's brought him down so low
What's happened to his family?
Do they know he's out here in the cold?
He's just a nameless soldier
Marching on the night patrol
Marching on the night patrol

Like that girl on the corner
She can't be more than seventeen
She's run away from somewhere
Taking nothing but her dreams
Now those dreams are lying shattered
As the street exacts its toll
And she's just another victim
Lost out on the night patrol

Oh, you could ask me why I'm out here
Where do I fit into the scene?
Now I'm drawing unemployment
Got replaced by a machine
And I'm torchured by my bad habits
Sometimes, I lose this struggle to control
And the street has its attractions
When you walk the night patrol
When you walk the night patrol

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Trust in the Lord with all your heart
Lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge Him"
And He will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3.5

I did something terrible tonight, not life-threatening terrible, but still I'm embarrassed. I wrote a check for a meal at a nice restaurant, because I could not put it on my debit card, because I don't have funds til Wednesday to cover it, and I could not cover it.

The waitress came back to my table and told me they don't accept checks only cash and credit cards. I asked for the manager, explained my dilemma and asked him what he wanted to do. I mean, he could have insisted on running my debit card, but it would haver overdrafted my account. He accepted the check and asked me to write out on a piece of paper, my name, address and phone no. with the number of the debit card and it's expirtation date.

Whew. I am thankful he did not decide to run my card, but I did not need to go out to eat, I have plenty of food here, but I just could not stand rattling around here on my own again. I am so thankful to be so lucky to get a nice manager, I would have really been up a creek without a paddle if he had done otherwise, which he had every right to do.

When I think about it, for the last couple of years I've been living a different lifestyle, a much simpler, curtailed lifestyle than the one I was used to when I was workiing. When I was working, I'd eat out almost every night, bought lunches, shopped at Nordstrom's as well as the thrift stores, and tonight I just could not resist the temptation to comfort my loneliness the way I used to: eating at a nice restaurant, because I knew I'd have the money deposited to my account Wednesday, I could not wait.

I should have waited, I know that most restaurants don't take checks anymore, but I couldn't. It's New Year's and I wanted to celebrate as well as enjoy the one freedom that 3,000 of our men and women who've fallen will not enjoy anymore, a steak dinner with a (virgin) Margarita. As I was waiting for the meal, I jotted down notes, and reviewed 3 x 5 cards I had written out in 2003-2004, in those really hard times at the Cooper House, the halfway house I lived in for 7 months waiting for my SSDI.

I wrote out scripture and tonight I went through them looking for inspiration and comfort.

I mostly have quotes from Isaiah, and the one that appealed to me most, especially after that embarrassing incident at the end of the meal: "Make way for the Lord, make straight His path.." it's in the book of Luke as well, I'm not sure of the numbers, it's in my bag I'll get it out later.

Make straight the path, every valley will be filled in, every mountain laid low, and the crooked paths made straight, then all mankind will see the salvation of God. That's a rough quote.

Make straight the paths, the power of God is limitless. Hallelujah for that.

As much as I have missed MG, part of me is celebrating the fact that I can move at my own pace, and not feel pushed or rushed, or criticized or judged for the way I do housework. Or that I can set my own to-do list without feeling judged for being too slow, which makes me flustered and scattered, resentful and making mistakes for which I then get blamed, that whole pattern has made me very angry and resentful. I need to talk to him about that, something has to change before we live together again.

I also need a job, in order to get more money and feel more productive and independent again. I need more respect.

It's a new year, time to move on. I really feel capable of doing that, with God's help, this year for the first time. I can only really depend on God, whose spirit is in me and with me, as a loving guide and friend at all times. People, even with the best of intentions, are unreliable and moody at best, myself included.

But God the Father, the son and the Holy S;irit never leave me or betray me. In God I trust, people not so much. I am starting to feel sleepy, time for bed. Time to sleep and tomorrow is a new day. I hope there will be no more power outages and windstorms, but God willing, that creek won't rise.

God willing, I am still alive, but too close for comfort 2 weeks ago. I am alive for a purpose, and that is pourely to be an instrument of God, that is my one job that I am clear about, I get it wrong often, though. Misinterpret the signals, but I am getting better at reading the signs.

The spirit has been with me since 2002, this is the first time I've admitted that publicly, because it would be another sign of "mental illness" according to the DSM-IV, but that is a secular manual, which has only begrudgingly recognized spiritual awakening as something more powerful than mere "delusions and psychosis". "Wehn I am in my right mind, it is for the world's sake, when I am out of my mind, it is for God's sake". a quote from St. Paul, not sure of the exact wording or number, but close enough for government work as they say.

I am out of my mind for God's sake, and in my right mind for the world's sake. Words to live by.

"Are you going away with no word of farewell,
Will there be not a trace left behind ?
I could have loved you better, didn't mean to be unkind
You know that was the last thing on my mind."

Goodbye, faithful readers

Lyrics by Marianne Faithful.